Fictional satire, not factual reporting
Freaky Cow Won't Stop Harassing Passers By. Farmer Urged To Host BBQ
Local livestock nuisance escalates after witnesses report “unwanted tongue-based contact” near rural fence line.
A local farmer has been urged to “consider all available options, including barbecue sauce” after one of his cows allegedly began harassing members of the public with what witnesses have described as “an alarming and deeply personal use of tongue.”
The cow, known locally as Marjorie, has reportedly been leaning over fences, approaching unsuspecting walkers, and making “direct, wet contact” with anyone foolish enough to stop and say, “Aww, look at the cow.”
One traumatised passer-by said the incident began innocently.
“I thought she was just being friendly,” the witness said. “Then suddenly there was tongue. So much tongue. I didn’t know their tongues could do that.”
Residents claim Marjorie has developed a pattern of behaviour, waiting by the roadside and targeting anyone wearing shorts, holding an ice cream, or “looking emotionally vulnerable.”
“She knows exactly what she’s doing,” said one local dog walker. “You can see it in her eyes. That’s not a farm animal. That’s a menace with hooves.”
The farmer, who asked not to be named because “the cow already has too much media attention,” said the accusations had been blown out of proportion.
“She’s just curious,” he said. “Cows lick things. Salt, grass, gates, people’s arms, one guy’s phone. It’s normal cow behaviour.”
However, community members disagree, with several calling for stronger action.
“At first we suggested a taller fence,” said one resident. “But after she got her tongue through the wire like some kind of dairy-based horror villain, we realised this had gone beyond fencing.”
A petition has since been launched calling on the farmer to either “control the cow, counsel the cow, or cook the cow.”
The farmer says Marjorie will not be turned into burgers and insists she is “a valued member of the herd,” though he admitted she has recently been placed on what he described as “licking probation.”
In the meantime, locals have been advised to keep a safe distance, avoid eye contact, and under no circumstances say, “Come here, girl,” unless they are prepared for the consequences.